“Starting all over”

That’s me with my arms crossed over the sign when I was stationed in England in 1974..

June 20, 2017

I have a confession to make. All though I have been a author here at wordpress.com I relapsed back in January of 2017. It sucked for me and all of my family and friends but most of all you, my friends of this site. In February 2017 I had put myself into rehabilitation for 3 months. Being locked down from leaving the VA grounds, random urine samples, the whole nine yards. Did me good and I learned a whole lot more than I did or ever thought.

So I feel I have it now under control, speaking of my alcoholism but my anger issues are still my problem. I attended Anger Management while in rehab but it wasn’t for me. After getting my release, I  tried the group therapy offered in mental health one time and I felt surrounded by people who were not like me. It wasn’t going to work either. Don’t know what else there is for me but it’s for sure, I have to stay SOBER. And I will really try to move on from now on.

It’s my goal to get another sponsor. My last one passed on to a better place. My work has only just begun. Very long way to go. Helping others is my only hope. I must do this full throttle ahead. Only looking back if I want to see what I want. This is important to me like eating and breathing.

I will be starting my story all over, it’s got to be because of my huge mistake. I will be back, count on it real soon.

JUNE 21, 2017

The truth of the matter is that I was in what I thought was a really great relationship. Fact is I was being used. I knew that I needed help with my addiction. It was causing big even major problems at home. Not only was I drinking again but my tolerance was so low to alcohol that after just a few drinks I couldn’t stand up, I was falling everyday and just busting myself all up. I was knocking stuff of my girlfriends sentimental items and destroying them and even I  knew it had to stop. So after the ex and I talked about me going into rehabilitation that would take 90 days, she agreed to me that this would be best for us. NOT!!

Went into the program on February 7th, 2017. I let her have my credit card in case she ran out of money so she could see Doctors, make co-pays plus medicines she may need, while I was gone away. On the 9th of February, 2017 I check my bank account. I had $450 in the bank, the second day I’m $35 over drafted. Attempts to get it back from her are fruitless and I will never see a thing unless I take her to court and that’s no guarantee. Sucks for me right. Don’t know what I’ll do.. If I pursue this legally I will be an ass hole but a mans got to do what a mans got to do!!! 

That break up was unexpected and it hurt me and my feelings towards women. I can’t take this again ever or it might kill me. I have to take a look at my health issues and my heart. Never had heart problems and let it stay this way. I can live by myself and be alright. Don’t need grief from a woman ever again. Anger issues that I have to be with myself, nobody else period. Can’t ever again be classified as homeless again. She did that saying there wasn’t a place for me anymore. There is here and I like it. 61 years old and STILL learning, damn!!!

I am going to fix myself this time or die trying. I have to show me that I respect myself as a live person of Gods making. To show My God and my family and friends that I can do the things that I must. Granted I have not really been doing the work I should be. I had a great sponsor. He passed away before we really got to work but I have to buckle up and get another one, that’s all there is to it.

6/25/2017

I know that I’m getting old when I have Life Alert set up in my apartment. The Area Agency on Aging has been a blessing for me. They treat me better than the Veterans Administration ever did. Medical insurance, meals on wheels,  transportation to Doctor appointments, medical equipment, Life Alert, just a blessing and I really do  appreciate these people for all their smiling faces. The Aids come on time and do their job. I feel like I’m lucky, and all I did was apply.

So now I got to be serious about sobriety and start attending  some meetings. A sponsor will come along one day at a meeting. Till then I can start reading and learning the 12 steps.