“Starting all over”

That’s me with my arms crossed over the sign when I was stationed in England in 1974..

June 20, 2017

I have a confession to make. All though I have been a author here at wordpress.com I relapsed back in January of 2017. It sucked for me and all of my family and friends but most of all you, my friends of this site. In February 2017 I had put myself into rehabilitation for 3 months. Being locked down from leaving the VA grounds, random urine samples, the whole nine yards. Did me good and I learned a whole lot more than I did or ever thought.

So I feel I have it now under control, speaking of my alcoholism but my anger issues are still my problem. I attended Anger Management while in rehab but it wasn’t for me. After getting my release, I  tried the group therapy offered in mental health one time and I felt surrounded by people who were not like me. It wasn’t going to work either. Don’t know what else there is for me but it’s for sure, I have to stay SOBER. And I will really try to move on from now on.

It’s my goal to get another sponsor. My last one passed on to a better place. My work has only just begun. Very long way to go. Helping others is my only hope. I must do this full throttle ahead. Only looking back if I want to see what I want. This is important to me like eating and breathing.

I will be starting my story all over, it’s got to be because of my huge mistake. I will be back, count on it real soon.

JUNE 21, 2017

The truth of the matter is that I was in what I thought was a really great relationship. Fact is I was being used. I knew that I needed help with my addiction. It was causing big even major problems at home. Not only was I drinking again but my tolerance was so low to alcohol that after just a few drinks I couldn’t stand up, I was falling everyday and just busting myself all up. I was knocking stuff of my girlfriends sentimental items and destroying them and even I  knew it had to stop. So after the ex and I talked about me going into rehabilitation that would take 90 days, she agreed to me that this would be best for us. NOT!!

Went into the program on February 7th, 2017. I let her have my credit card in case she ran out of money so she could see Doctors, make co-pays plus medicines she may need, while I was gone away. On the 9th of February, 2017 I check my bank account. I had $450 in the bank, the second day I’m $35 over drafted. Attempts to get it back from her are fruitless and I will never see a thing unless I take her to court and that’s no guarantee. Sucks for me right. Don’t know what I’ll do.. If I pursue this legally I will be an ass hole but a mans got to do what a mans got to do!!! 

That break up was unexpected and it hurt me and my feelings towards women. I can’t take this again ever or it might kill me. I have to take a look at my health issues and my heart. Never had heart problems and let it stay this way. I can live by myself and be alright. Don’t need grief from a woman ever again. Anger issues that I have to be with myself, nobody else period. Can’t ever again be classified as homeless again. She did that saying there wasn’t a place for me anymore. There is here and I like it. 61 years old and STILL learning, damn!!!

I am going to fix myself this time or die trying. I have to show me that I respect myself as a live person of Gods making. To show My God and my family and friends that I can do the things that I must. Granted I have not really been doing the work I should be. I had a great sponsor. He passed away before we really got to work but I have to buckle up and get another one, that’s all there is to it.

6/25/2017

I know that I’m getting old when I have Life Alert set up in my apartment. The Area Agency on Aging has been a blessing for me. They treat me better than the Veterans Administration ever did. Medical insurance, meals on wheels,  transportation to Doctor appointments, medical equipment, Life Alert, just a blessing and I really do  appreciate these people for all their smiling faces. The Aids come on time and do their job. I feel like I’m lucky, and all I did was apply.

So now I got to be serious about sobriety and start attending  some meetings. A sponsor will come along one day at a meeting. Till then I can start reading and learning the 12 steps.

“SEPTEMBER 17, 2016”

I MAY GET UP AND PICK UP A FEW ITEMS AT THE GROCERY STORE.. IT’S RAINING RIGHT NOW SO JUST WAIT AWHILE, IT MIGHT CHANGE A BIT SO I’LL WAIT IT OUT.

BEEN SOBER NOW FOR THE THIRD DAY AND I HAVE TO GET  THOUGH THE CRAVINGS. THE VA GAVE SOME PILLS TO HELP GET OVER THESE CRAVING. MY DISEAED LIVER IS BAD SO QUITING IN ONE DRINK ONE DAY AT A TIME BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DIE ANYTIME SOON. WHATTING TO MOVE TO ANOTHER SPACE THAT’S SMALLER BECAUSE I CAN’T KEEP THIS THREE BEDROOM HOUSE CLEAN, AND COOK, GO TO THE STORE, MAKE MY VA APPOINTMENTS, THE LAUNDRY, HOPE YOUR READING THIS A MAYBE SAY SOME PRAYERS FOR US BECAUSE JUST HANDING IDA’S NEEDS KEEPS ME BUSY MOST OF THE DAY. HELP IS EXPENSIVE BUT IF I FIND THE RIGHT PERSON WHO’LL HELP CLEAN HOUSE AND THEY COULD EVEN GET A WHOLE BOTTOM FLOOR AND I THINK WE COULD COME TO AN AGREE OVER THE CHARGE WITH RENT FREE CONDITION

“SEPTEMBER 28, 2016”

FIRST OF ALL I HAVE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL GETTING ANTIBIOTICS TO HELP ME GET OVER A RATHER SERIOUS INFECTION. SORRY FOR BEING OUT OF TOUCH. I’M BACK HOME FOR THE THIRD DAY NOW SO I DO FEEL BETTER BUT SLEEP COMES VERY EASY, THE NEW MEDS PROBLEM IS MY ONLY PROBLEM. SO HERE GOES THE SICK MAN. SO NOW IT THE 11/15/2016 AND I’M FREE TO GO. NO SIGN IN OR SIGN OUT IF I JUST WANT TO SMOKE.  I WAS GIVEN PATCHES BUT I JUST PULLED THEM OFF TO SMOKE.

LIFE IS CHANGELING ENOUGH WITHOUT SIMPLE THINGS TODAY AND ALMOST EVERYTHING AT THIS POINT. STOPPING DRINKING OR SMOKING JUST AS WELL IT’S JUST KILLING ME, EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN HAVING TO MUCH FOR ME BUT I HAVE THIS SUPRE PUBIC CATHETER THAT’S A PAIN IN THE ASS, I’D RATHER HAVE MY LEG FIXED. I HAVE GOTTEN JUST ABOUT GOTTEN TO TIERED OF WAITING. GETTING MY BLOCKAGE IN THE URINARY FIXED. FOR EVERYONE TO SEE HOW IMPORTANT I MUST GIVE IN.  THIS DISEASE I HAVE WILL NOT BE GETTING ANY TIME SOON.

VETERANS DAY WAS FLOP FOR ME THIS YEAR AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED. THERE WERE LOTS OF PLACES WERE I COULD HAVE ATTENDED WERE I COULD HAVE EATEN FOR FREE BUT MY LEG MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DRIVE ANYWHERE FOR ME. MY LEG , KEPT ME FROM ENJOYING THE FEAST. GOLDEN CORAL IS WERE I COULD HAVE. EATING A GRATEFUL DINNER BECAUSE I WAS A VETERAN WHO SERVED AS FAR AS KEEPING AMERICAN FREE AND SAFE. OH WELL!!!!

  

“On my way to who knows”

Today I spent about one hour, outside on the deck, sun is out plus it’s got to be 90 degrees, sweating like a pig, with my case worker from the Area Agency on aging. I just might get something that the VA can’t do!  Now that is the help I want.. I do think that I deserve this 110%. This is a “GIFT” and that’s my story and I’m sticking with it. Still looking for my live birth certificate though but I know I have it. Need to get my last four bank statements. Then contact the VA in Cleveland, OH to get my proof of my pension. Then I may have all my shit in one folder. Now, today’s date is the 6th of September 2016. Time to say good night to all of my friends, but more to come tomorrow. Sleep tight@@@@

Alright, I’m back after a rather hectic day. I meet again with the case manager and gave her all four bank statements that she requested and “TADA” my original Birth Certificate. Now I got to pat myself on the back, amen. In only two visits I feel all this weight is findlay off my back. I went out soon later and got a much needed haircut. I can’t stand long hair these days, no particular reason except when riding in the car, all of it gets in my eyes and that bugs the shit out of me. Just can’t believe my wait for help has come to a head. I can only give praise to GOD because he knew that I needed and deserved all that I do have. 

Of course now if I could only just put the plug into the jug. Man I want to and need to, so why don’t I just give in? Because it’s in my freakin brain and it is here to stay unless I put my foot down. Could pay for rehab but I don’t make enough money. The program I’m signed up for with Area Agency should come with Medicaid so maybe it”s covered. It would behove me to ask that question to my case worker September 10,2016. Wish me luck because if I don’t, I will die without help.

Another thing I got advice on by my caseworker was to go to the Vet Center to see if they could get my proof of income. Made me an appointment  and the financial officer not only got one but also faxed it to my caseworker. I’m all finished… Later people, more to come.   

“Day In, Day Out, One Day At A Time”

Mark here with certainty that I have and will never ever quit. Looking at all the comments say good things about me and my addition to the devils grave yard,  that had to do a lot of my downfall. God didn’t ever made me to just be a drunk. That is why I decided for myself to have as much fun as I could have while working 3 jobs at one time daily. One full time job plus three side jobs  to make me a great provider for my wife and our two children. Worked it until the alcohol started increasing weekly. All I ended up with was a divorce and no kids but rather $70 a week child support. That is all behind me now but my liver took the brunt of my life. Some 63 years of drinking has me under the ole boulder. Life now is one day at a time. I’m currently drinking again after 9+ years to jump off the wagon is simply put me to where I am now and that sucks.

Today is September the 5th @ 7:20 am I have to listen to my own advice I had typed earlier in 2016. My straight up truth and I am having one hell of a time trying to stop is ROCK HARD. Still not being able to drive because I went a shoe show when my last DUI and it got my license away. My eyes are even going south and that all sucks all big time. I keep telling myself, I can quit bad habits. Some day I will see the light when I’m dead and buried. That is what I’m not ready for sure but rather it’s inevitable.  No body lives forever and I do understand this fact

I have contemplated recently about just starting this story over but as I mentioned, I won’t quit at anything I might be doing and planning to do in my days on the planet of ours that God crated for us to live in. I’m a lover not a fighter. I want to help people but right now I must work on me and this is a MUST.

What have I been doing with myself you might be asking? It’s been a month of disasters. Drinking was the real problem and took me to the emergency room like 5 times, called the paramedics 3 times to come and get me off the floor and once for falling in the bathtub. Being in my drunkenness condition it is rather embarrassing. I’d say that I have had a major problem with a gait problem, my arms are covered with open sores. Already have regular problems, I have a wheelchair, a cane and two different walkers. But add alcohol only makes my standing straight ever worse. I am not sure what made me pick up once more, my mother dieing or was it me giving up on myself. For sure it’s out there somewhere, anywhere or just wanting to die myself. I used to be the king of downing beers but now it only takes four and I’m falling somewhere or the other. These open sores, like skinning the skin off my body, it freaking hurts. I am an alcoholic and it’s got me now but not for much longer cause I will get help somewhere.

I can’t get the help I need at the VA so I have arranged the counties area agency on aging. I do qualify for numerous programs they offer. All I have to basically do is to prove that I am me, Mark E, as with a lot of looking for the information that I had in my personal info. In six hours I have to only do 2 things and I’ll be rescued. It is up to me if I get accepted or not. It’s going the positive way and I have to stick with the programs.

Ida and I want a new car and we will one day. We have a 1986 Buick Sumerset    that cost us around at least $300 any time we need something that’s broke to just a tire alignment plus changing the oil. This total could be used as a car payment so Why not be worry free. Only I need also to get my license again that was taken away some 13 or 14 years ago by the good guys of Cobb Counties Finest in Georgia. I wasn’t aware that after 45 day’s in the clink (jail) that I had a probation officer. That is why I paid a lawyer to keep me apprised of. Not only did I have to report in but court cost were never explained to me. Found this out when I went to get a Ohio drivers license that brought up a freaking flag. State ID was all I could get until the State of Georgia is over with, period!!!

 

 

Rain started the day however the clouds disappeared, the wind was around 10 to 15 minutes till snow came from the heavens and out with 1 in of the stuff. Didn’t stick around long and it all melted. Took my mate to see a neurologist that’s monitoring x-rays looking at a small tumor. And so it’s another appointment that we set the day and time. It’s actually a Aneurysm. We’ll get another ct  scan done to look over this blood problem and compare this new one over her last ct scan so the Doctors decide “WHAT TO DO NEXT”. I’d appreciate any small little prayer for us, would be wonderful. 

The two of us have to take care of each other, we have many problems, some big, some are minute and small.  As long as love surrounds us we will never fear anything including death. Death happens and is surely going to happen when it’s our time.

That’s why it so important for someone to take a stance with addictions of all kinds. What I used was taking the pleasure of a mellow feeling. Now I know that was all wrong. I miss my parents a lot but they choose their demise and I just took their places. None of what I say is full of bull. It’s FACT. We as humans have our own choices and have to live by these chooses.

I’m not sure what I’ll do today but resting sounds mighty good to me. Don’t want to go over to our house that’s for sure. Damn Bug City!!! If I could get away with setting the house on fire, I would but that doesn’t ever work that easy. Your days are numbered in these cases. Need to clean the house top to bottom. Got to junk pile, lots of old outdated mail, papers but the biggest thing is without any doubt is the furniture, it is all full of these damn bugs. I am disabled as well is my mate, we combined can’t and are not able to do what needs done. Seems like know program out there won’t help us.     

My Life Living With Liver Disease

Don’t know what I’m going to do immediately with this Sprained Ankle of mine. Made a call yesterday to my Podiatrist and asked him for some advice. Telling him that I’ve had this condition for 5 weeks now and hurts just as bad now, like it’s not getting any better. He suggested making an appointment with a Doctor in Podiatry to check the two x-rays that were taken in the two visits to the emergency room. These Doctors might want me to see a Orthopedics and get them involved at the same time by teaming these Doctors all as a group. Don’t know how much longer it will take before I can continue to write. Have to keep my leg elevated because my legs both are extremely swollen even though I take water pills. Please stick around, I will be back!!! 

My Story And Alcoholism

This is my life’s story about alcoholism and Liver Disease. It all started to work on me at age 6. It’s always been my philosophy that it if it’s not true it’s got to be false because if it’s the true it’s fact, right and I know everyone knows this.   

Today is Saturday the it’s 11:30, been receiving some rain however the clouds disappeared, the wind was around 10 to 15 miles an hour till snow starts to fall from heaven with 1 in of the stuff. Didn’t stick around long and it all melted. Took my mate to see a neurologist that’s monitoring x-rays looking at a small tumor. and so it’s another appointment that we set the day and time. It’s actually a Aneurysm. We’ll get another ct  scan done to look over this blood problem and compare this new one over her last ct scan so the Doctors decide “WHAT TO DO NEXT”. I’d appreciate any small little prayer for us and that would be wonderful. More later, got a lot of important information to tell.

Today is TGIF Friday the date is May 6th, 2016 and I have some 30 minutes of free time to write a little more reference material. This is a true story, not  fiction writing because it’s serious to me, serious enough that it scares me to this day. In the Beginning has had it’s ups and downs, especially being my first time. English was never my forte that’s for sure. Math now was easy for me. Now I need to use a calculator of all things. It’s a Ripley’s believe it not. However this is true and I’ll not lead you on. It’s always been my philosophy that if it’s not true it’s got to be false because if it’s true it’s fact, right and I know everyone knows this.    This is a true story, not a fiction writing because it’s serious to me, serious enough that it scares me to this day. Beginning this has had it’s ups and downs, especially being my first time. English was never my forte that’s for sure. Math now was easy for me. Now I need a calculator of all things. It’s a Ripley’s believe it or not. However this is true and I’ll  not lead you on. Promise!! This is  My Story!!

                                                  “LIFE AFTER DAD’S DEATH”

 Yea I guess I miss dad. Not having him around to be a father and to get closer for  his oldest son thing asking for advice. I can say either I miss him but I did join the Air Force and dad signed the paperwork, and it was my choice. I didn’t like him as a father in fact I did not shed one tear at his funeral. My family is now dysfunctional. I was not around my siblings for about 40 years to date. I’ve tried to get my brother and sister to work their problems out so I can be more comfortable. today is Friday (TGIF) May the 6th 2016 and I actually feel somewhat good. Yesterday was different, didn’t get up until 3 in the afternoon and I say that it’s very different way to start my day. Need to make some telephone calls so on people. However to have dad as buddy, dad was not into it. I had joined the Air Force, bought a brand new 1974 Pinto and got married some time after our journey moving from Ohio and moved the whole kit and calculable and moved to Tampa, FL.. I guess  because  I got stationed there. As far as my wedding, It was just after dad expired. Dad died on July the 18th, 3 months later on October the 4,  1974. So  before me my orders and got transferred to England. It was and probably will be the last time I will get into another country ever.